Real Talk

I thought saying goodbye to my middle school was hard. Trading everything I knew, my comfort zone with the 24 other 9th graders and moving to 900 sophomores.

The beginning was scary, I had about 6 friends from middle school, other than that I only recognized a few people from way back in 3rd grade. It was very interesting seeing how much those people changed while I spent 6 years at a small charter school. That first year of high school I grew in a lot of ways and moved on from a lot of things, I made so many new friends and I'm still thankful for them. I was finally able to figure out how to best get along with my mom while dealing with my own problems. I went to New York City for my first time and fell in love with the city and with Newsies.

Junior year was hard but in different ways than sophomore year. I was able to meet even more people and had the best group ever in my english class that year. I went to my first school dance, and was turned down for the first time for Sadie's. I grew even closer to a lot of my friends and lost some others along the way. It honestly wasn't anything too special, but I'm glad that I was able to have the experiences that I did. I feel like there is more that happened junior year that has been repressed because I can't think of anything else.

This year I joined the swim team and made so many friends, I don't know how I went so long without knowing these fantastic people. I also fell in love with biotechnology. I also took one of my favorite classes ever and gained a new appreciation for poetry in this class. Ever since I was little I thought I would be going to BYU, that's just what I was raised to think, then I realized that BYU is just not my school, it's not the perfect match, I decided on Utah State where I can have the major I want and escape the "mormon bubble". I was turned down for Sadie's twice and Preference once, but I am so glad I was because I was able to have so much more fun with the boys I ended up taking, two of my best friends. Prom wasn't what I had imagined; set up the night before with a junior I had never met. He was really nice but it was the most awkward date I have ever been on, I also thought I was going to die on the ride to the Capital and the ride back, seriously the boy driving was the scariest I've ever experienced.

I may only have taken one AP class in my entire high school career, but for me that's okay.
I may not have done everything I wanted to while in high school but what I did do was fantastic and there are so many things that I'm so glad I did. I have so few regrets and I'm really pleased that it is that way now.
I'm proud of where I am today and how far I've come since finishing middle school. All of the memories I've made and friendships that have grown are not to be forgotten.
So here's to all the first kisses, last dances, and ACT tests.
And here's to the class of 2015, we've made it this far together, now it's time to head out on our own and make new memories and find new friends.
Best of luck to all of you.

Sylver Rayne/Kirsten Cluff

Do Your Own Thing

I remember visiting Lone Peak fro whatever reason when my sister went here. I always thought I would eat lunch sitting ton the steps of the Commons, surrounded by countless friends now I could care less if I sit by the Knight or if I sit in the 300 hall or any other hall of the school. I guess my point is it doesn't matter where you sit, if you're the type to sit by the Knight Statue, go ahead I won't stop you, if you want to sit in one of the manny identical halls, be my guest. Sit where you're comfortable, wherever that may be.

My Heart Is Getting Tired

My heart is getting tired.

It's tired of chasing wasted potential. 

Exhausted from an endless marathon of trying to get to you.

It has tears from getting caught on your spiky, trap-like heart.

There is never enough time to stitch itself up before it encounters more thorns.

My heart needs a break, a nice 30 minute sunday afternoon nap. 

If I let it rest it'll keep asking for 10 more minutes.

But is there really anything wrong with 10 more minutes?

To My Fellow Seniors

Remember the last day of 9th grade? Finally done with middle school but knowing you had to start at the bottom of the food chain again in the fall. 

What about the first day of sophomore year? Thinking graduation would never come, that we have all the time in the world to do whatever we want. 

Now we're almost to the last day of senior year. Almost ready to walk across that stage and receive our diploma and then be on our way to the real world of adults.

The next month will be full of remembering, remembering all the things we did and regretting some of the things we wish we had(or hadn't) done. 

So in the fast paced excitement of this coming month, don't get lost in all the senior activities, and AP tests, make lasting memories too.

One day, many years from now, we will be remembering this time in our lives. Remembering these last weeks of high school. Our last summer before growing up and moving on. These will be the carefree , adventurous times we will call the "good old days". 

life is not a walk in the park.

Life is learning.

Life is beauty and peace.

Life is loving with out fears.

Life is striving to better yourself.

Life is trusting that if you fall you will be caught.

Life is being accepting of others.

Life is being willing to try new things.

Life is tolerating even the most obnoxious coworkers.

Life is dealing with the bad days to appreciate the good ones.

Life is falling in love with yourself first.

Life is not a walk in the park.

Life is so short.

Life is not to be wasted.

Life is doing something rebellious because you're only a teenager for a few years.

Life is letting go and moving on because it will be better in the end.

Life is skinning your knee on the black top.

Life is cherishing the little moments and not letting them pass by.

Life is something to be cherished. 

Your life is unique to you.

Life is about the experiences we have.

Life was never meant to be trouble-free.

Life is not a walk in the park.

The Future.

Isn't it interesting that in the past humanity has looked at the future with such high hope? They thought that by now we would have flying cars and teleportation and so much more amazing technology. While we have advanced immensely in creativity, this generation seems to view the future as much more dismal. Think of the movies, books and television shows that depict apocalypses and dystopian worlds. This is what we see the future holds. We are no longer as hopeful, envisioning a shining world with the latest advancements in technology, we are seeing a world destroyed by ourselves. 

And maybe that's not far fetched. Maybe we really are headed that way. Maybe we'll advance so far in technology that we will overthrow our own species by creating something we can't control or by a power-thirsty ruler taking over. All I can say is that I hope I'm not chosen at the reaping or my brain eaten by zombies.

Mes Chaussures

A New Chapter

I'll be honest, going into this class I didn't really want to do the blog. I just thought of it as another two assignments to add to my weekly list, then I started to really enjoy it and while I was never one of the well known favorites, I'm proud of my posts. 

I guess I'll tell you more about me:
I moved from California to Utah when I was 4.
I have always felt alone in my family being the youngest of 5 girls and having my closest sister 10 years older than me.
I may feel alone but I love being the youngest. I have connected well with friends who are also the youngest with a large gap.
I went to Westfield Elementary for four years, then in 4th grade I transferred to a charter school for 6 years.
I gained some of my best, longest lasting friendships at that charter school.
In 9th grade I was the student body president of the charter school.
I love the rain so so much, hence my name. 
I still haven't decorated my journal cover because every time I try to start I get too scared of not liking it when I'm done. (I have some ideas now though so I'll start soon)
I hope that now that we're revealing ourselves we will still write with honesty.
I love writing, before this class I only wrote fiction, now I have found a new outlet.
Both of my best friends are fake red heads (and they both pull it off).
One of my best friends goes to Lone Peak, the other goes to AF.
I met them both at the charter school in seventh grade.
My room has been messy for two months and I need to clean it but I don't want to.
One time friends and I sticky-noted a teachers car, during school.
I've done some really stupid things in these 17 (almost 18) years, and I'm sure I'll do plenty more.
I've gone on amazing adventures and had amazing opportunities.
I love taking pictures, mostly of landscapes, not portraits.
I love reading, but I haven't been able to finish a book for a few months now and it's starting to drive me nuts.
I miss the days when I would wake up and instead of checking my phone right away I would grab a book and read for hours.
Coming up with a list of top 5 books was so hard, I feel bad leaving any out.
Iron Man is my favorite superhero. Loki is also pretty great.
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is a fantastic TV show, don't listen to the haters.
I love music. Specifically my taste music.
I cannot wait to go to the Imagine Dragons concert and the Fall Out Boy concert this summer (two days apart, no less).
Once I fall in love with a song, it will always be in my heart even if in the moment I don't want to listen to it I never dislike it.
I love the Broadway version of Newsies. In the last three days I have listened to the entire soundtrack at least 4 times. I'm only a little obsessed ;)
I love acting.
I love swimming so much. 
There's a lot more I would like to tell you but that will have to wait for the rest of the term.
I'm sorry this isn't some beautiful, poetic post, but I thought you should know more about me before I told you my name.

Hi, I'm Sylver Rayne, or otherwise known as Kirsten Cluff.

I'm excited to share this new chapter/term with you.

Lost Generation

As You Go So Must I

This afternoon I swung on my swing set for the last time. 

They already started taking you down. My childhood. I remember the day they brought you home and set you up, I couldn't wait to play on you but I had to because it was time for kindergarten and I couldn't be late. You had two levels, a steering wheel, binoculars, 3 normal swings, a baby swing, a tired swing, and a straight slide and a twisty slide (I called them the plank and the black hole). Playing pirates was always one of my favorites. During the summer other kids and I would put towels up around the sides and build a fort to hide from the littler kids using pool noodles as weapons. Do you remember the time the boy got stuck in the baby swing and my mom had to lift him out? I still have the picture. What about watching fireworks on the fourth of July all across the valley from the top level with dad? I loved spinning around in endless circles on the tire swing and getting soooo dizzy until the day my legs grew too long to fit through the tire. When my sister and I took the cat up with us and she ran down the ladder without falling and I was sad she didn't stay but in awe at her abilities of not falling off. When I was really little and could only go down the slide with someone at the end. Taking my nieces and nephews down the very same slide just a few years later so they wouldn't be scared. My niece and nephews called you grandma and grandpa's park, they think you're the coolest thing ever, now they're leaving too. These are only a fraction of the memories you and I share.

As I grew up you got older and you held onto every memory we share in your worn down wood frame better than my own memory. One night after a rough couple of weeks one of my best friends and I spent a good 30 minutes swinging and talking. Do you still hold those secrets close like I do? I'll never forget the time I kissed him on the top level. Just a few weeks ago when I was stargazing with my friend, laying down and hoping you would hold us both. I have grown up with you and I can't stand to see you go. You may have loose screws and need to be sanded down and maybe a good sun proof stain, and maybe you're a lot less safe than I would like to admit. Either way I'll always love and miss you, my friend. I grew and you slowly fell apart, but you constantly supported me. You were always there for me when I was upset, you cheered me up and absorbed my tears from the dirt and grass upon which you sat.

Even my friends are sad, saying that it is a huge piece of their childhood too, and you can't get rid of it there are too many memories. I know, believe me I know. Now as a senior in high school I must say goodbye to the one who means so much more to me than just an old swing set.

As I rushed back and forth I felt the rush of the wind pass my face and through my hair, the squeak of the metal that has become comforting. I inhale and take the moment in, not wanting to let go. I know I won't have any more time with you and I wish I had known how lucky I was to have you before today. But now I will move on with you in the form of my initials followed by 2002-2015. 

This afternoon I swung on my swing set for the last time. Tomorrow you'll be gone for good. I don't think I'm ready to let go of not only you, but also my childhood. Please don't forget me, I'll never forget you. I love you.

Oops! I Did It Again.

Ah yes, I procrastinated my blog post yet again. Oh Procrastination. The epitome of high schoolers. Especially those plagued with the ever horrid condition that is senioritis.

Here is Urban Dictionary's top definition of procrastination:

I Don't Want To Fall

I am scared to lose friends.

I am scared for the future for myself and my loved ones.

I am scared of spiders.

I am scared that I won't be able to follow my dreams.

I am scared to start college.

I'm more afraid of staying in high school.

I am scared of not seeing friends again after graduation.

I am scared of becoming a (more or less) responsible adult.

I am scared to disappoint my parents.

I am scared to reveal who I am.

I am scared of not finding the right husband for me.

I am scared to watch a scary movie alone.

I am scared that I won't make a good mother.

I am scared that I won't be able to be a mother.

I am scared of marrying too young or staying single too long.

I am scared of what lurks in the ocean.

I am scared of being judged even though I know everyone is too busy fearing the same thing to judge me.

I am scared that I will get a call saying someone I loved has died.

I am scared that I will be too busy to enjoy life.

I am scared.

"If you don't take the chance to live life, what can you say at the end of it?"

~Naveen Andrews

I like to think that the best way to view life is in the present with hope for the future and reminisce the happier moments of one's life. Not dwelling on the bad or stressing for the trials, but looking for ways to enjoy every minute of life. Looking for ways to enjoy even the not so pleasant things.

Life is a compilation of the little things. First kisses and first dates. Family dinners. Laughing so hard with your friends it takes minutes to recover then looking at one another and sending yourselves back into endless giggles. Procrastinating homework until this last minute. Soup on a rainy day. Spontaneous late night drives up the canyon. Hot chocolate on a Sunday night. The buzz of a bee on a hot summer's day. Science classes and math homework. Kids running around playing night games. Speeding tickets and drivers ed. Awkward middle school couples. Field trips that cease to exist upon entering high school. The scent of your crushes shampoo. Midnight movies premiers and over salted popcorn. All these things that make up life. These things that we overlook when we're running back and forth all day, when we really should stop and smell the roses.

IDEK

Okay. Quick question. Have you ever used this kind of pen before?

Because honestly they are fabulous.

Also I really love those pens that are in hotel rooms. Just the way they write is wonderful.

And you can't forget mechanical pencils, they just write better and feel better to hold.

This has been a writing utensil appreciation post.

I Can't Take This Again

I walk through the halls and I just want to scream, to yell out at everyone and say, "What is wrong with you!? Why did we let this happen!?" I've taken this one the hardest. I never knew you but it has still affected me. I wish you could've seen that this dark spot you were in was only temporary, that life will be so much better after high school. How sick is it that this feeling has become familiar? That hearing Rhonda's letter read in class has become habitual. On Thursday the whole school was there holding each others hands and wiping each others tears away, but how long will it last? I fear that it will go back to the way it was, and I can't stand to see that.

Bricks and Orchids

You are a brick. Strong, solid, and immovable. 

You don't let others beat you down,

Or let the wind shake your foundation.

You persevere through the storm.

Then there is me. I am an orchid.

Gentle, fragile, and untainted.

If I'm not careful I am easily persuaded.

A touch from you would break me in two.

Don't break me in two just be being you.

Let Me Sleep

Cars, horns, crickets. Everything I can hear outside the window as I try to fall asleep.

I'll come to school tired with only a couple hours of sleep and you'll ask me why I don't sleep more.

If I could, I would sleep; I love to sleep, I just dread falling asleep.

The anxiety of having to wait to drift off into a slumber is horrible.

I can't stand the thought of tossing and turning for hours on end, unable to turn off my mind enough to fall asleep.

Sometimes I'll get close to sleeping, you know that in between stage where all of a sudden your mom or sister closes the door down the hall just a little too loudly and now those hours of trying to fall asleep are all for naught, you'll be awake at least another two hours trying to recover from that.

It's horrible and not fair. 

I hate when people say they can fall asleep in 10 minutes.

It sounds like more of a dream than I ever get to experience.

All I want is to get in bed at 10 and not be awake until all hours of the night.

Please, just Let me sleep.

Where's Perry?

My version of an inspiring photoset. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

A Piece of my Heart

Why does love have to be this way?

Why does it have to hurt when it used to fill me with incomparable joy?
Why does it have to be different now? 
We all know that "we can still be friends" is just a formality, it never really lasts. 
Maybe you'll be friends for a week or two,
But slowly you'll start to fall away from each other.
You realize that you don't know how to be "just friends" anymore.
No matter how strong your friendship was before.
But you know him too well to just let a friendship like that go to waste. 
Yet it does. Every. Single. Time.
You let it happen over and over again, 
Saying "it will be different this time,"
How many times will you say that?
How many times will you let this happen?
Eventually you'll start thinking, maybe its me?
Maybe these relationships don't last because of who I am.
That's the only factor that is the same each time, 
Not the boy, there's always a different one of them.
It's me..
It's all me.
Not you.
Me.
Why me?
I guess it's because love is accepting, forgiving, and patience. 
Not the lousy excuse for love you gave me.

I Am Human

I am human.

I'm not just some machine,

created to get things done.

I'm more than a robot,

programmed to be precise.

I am human.

Sometimes I stumble over my words.

Some nights I forget to brush my teeth.

Some days I can barely drag myself out of bed.

Sometimes I look at her and think to myself, 

She's perfect why am I not like her?

I am human.

I make mistakes.

I struggle with math.

I don't get perfect grades on everything.

You won't find a 4.0 on my report card;

I don't need one to be proud of myself.

I am human.

I have anger issues.

Some days my anxiety will be too much to handle.

I cry over stupid things.

I've had my heart broken again and again;

But I'll smile it away and ignore the hurt,

Because I am human.

I am human,

Nothing you do or say will change that.

I will continue to fight and grow.

I will change the world,

Just you wait and see.

For I am human.

High School is Overrated

High School didn't meet my expectations.

No meeting the love of my life at a karaoke bar.

No Zac Efron.

No massive posters of the basketball team. (actually I'm okay without this one)

No singing about your feelings, all the time.

No Zac Efron.

I mean I feel seriously gypped.

High School would've been way more fun if it was more Like High School Musical.
Why can't we all just break out into song and dance? Think how fun that would be!?

Basically TV and movies made High school seem much better and worse than it really is. I want Even though we aren't living a high school musical, I'm glad we don't have a "Sharpay" or the "Plastics" at our school. I don't think anyone in the real world would want to handle that much drama. I'm also glad that if we want we can switch friend groups, that if we don't stick to the status quo then our entire school won't shame us for it.

One additional comment: The Wildcats' rival school were the Knights, Lone Peak is the Knight, does this mean AFHS is East High School? If so then that is 100% not fair.

Hey you go listen to this song:

High School Never Ends - Bowling for Soup

It's Almost Too Late

Please trust her. She is so much more than you know. Let her do these things. Let her live. Don’t hold her back. Let her experience these things; she’s only this age once. He wont be treated this way in a few years. You think you 're helping her, protecting her, even; but you're only hurting her. Don't do this. She is trustworthy. You need to let her leave the nest, to spread her wings. She is growing eager, restless. She wants to see the world but you aren’t letting her. Don’t tell her she can’t, soon she will believe you. Let her go explore, she will still come back to you for refuge. Please listen, before it’s too late. Before she loses her desire to grow. Please. 

CrAyOnS aNd CrEaTiViTy

Crayons. Or, since we live in Utah and we can't pronounce words correctly "crans" or "crowns" I've heard it all.

I. Love. Crayons.

I can't draw so I color. I have coloring books by my bed at this exact moment as well as 3 boxes of crayons.

The smell of crayons. The smell of my childhood. When I could create a new picture without feeling judged by others or criticizing myself for not being good enough.

Why does creativity have to be leached from us? Why can't we continue to exercise our creativity? I say we should set aside time each day to allow our creative juices to flow. 

                 Why not? 

                              What's stopping us?

Oh, right. Homework. Busy work. That stuff teachers assign us, as if we don't have enough to do. Seeing my nieces and nephews so care free and innocent, creating worlds and all the different games they come up with, I really miss living such a simple life.

Can we all make a vow to be more creative? To release that child we had to hide away far too soon see the light of day again?

Will you join me?

You found my blog. Congratulations.

If you're here to visit, leave, for I am here to stay.

I'm Sylver Rayne.

I like reading, writing, and sleeping.

Music is everything, if you want to know someone find out their favorite song and listen to it 30 times, it'll change your perspective on them.

I love surprises but hate not knowing something.

I enjoy school, but at the end of the day it's the people that make it what it is.

I don't fear dying, I fear leaving those I love behind.

I want to leave an impression on the world, to be remembered, to actually do something worthwhile that can further humanity.

I think that loving yourself is the first step to loving others, don't let them tell you otherwise.

Learning isn't about sitting in a classroom it's about expanding your knowledge, exploring your interests, and experiencing the world.

I love the oxford comma. and the interrobang. Is that normal? You decide.

I'm not a grammar nazi, I'm a grammar fascist.

Do what you love and live without regret.

I love rain, the smell of it, the sound of it hitting the top of my car, it's my favorite weather.

If you really want to get to know me, stick around and we can learn about me together.